The first time Hana had brain surgery to remove her original tumour was dark, terrifying and traumatising. I have recently started drafting my memoir of the past two years (What’s that? A book deal, you say? Well, yes please…) and I recently had to re-live the whole traumatic experience. Here is a snippet from the first chapter:
“Just knock her out! End it now!
I wanted to throttle the anaesthetist. My girl was fighting with every last inch of her being as he held the disgusting gas over her face.
She hates the gas. She’s always hated the gas. Why didn’t he give her an IV induction?
Now she was writhing in my arms, face red, wild eyed, like an animal led to slaughter as the nurses pinned her down so she’d inhale more with each scream. But the gas wasn’t working.
‘NOOOO’ she screamed, spittle flying out of her mouth. Her eyes like slits she looked at me sideways but the look was empty as if she couldn’t see me anymore. With a punch to my stomach I instantly sensed why: She felt betrayed.
How could I let this happen to her? Because I wasn’t ending it for her, in her eyes, I was no longer there.”
Meditation and Trance
This time round things were very different. As you know earlier this year I was knocked flat by an intense and unexpected Spiritual Awakening. This awakening transformed how I not only perceive myself but also how I perceive reality itself. I have began to explore myself as a “multi-dimensional being” via past life regression hypnosis: Regardless of whether actual past lives ‘exist’ or whether I’m simply accessing a universal Jungian ‘collective consciousness’ it doesn’t matter, I am simply learning what secrets my subconscious and superconscious minds are holding/storing – and how that affects my health. More to come on these fascinating sessions soon!
What I have felt clearly and distinctly over the course of the last few months is that I have needed to release my ‘clutch’ over Hana’s life (see Why I let go of my Daughter) in order to let unfold whatever needs to unfold. And I believe that what will unfold may be related to certain decisions that I made in a different dimension, with Hana, prior to my choice to be here as Naomi Cook. So how does this impact on how I chose to experience Hana’s second major brain surgery?
I aimed for: “loving detachment” and an element of faith in that what would be, would be in our best interests as souls or multi-dimensional beings.
This is all very nice mumbo-jumbo in theory right? But how to physically detach from the fear of losing my daughter on the operating table? How to detach from the fear that she would wake up blind? Or have a stroke? Or encounter further damage to her hypothalamus or even frontal lobes? How to stop my heart racing and stomach churning at the thought of losing her all over again?
The tool for me was Meditation. I used daily meditation to bring myself into a peaceful trance -like state that once brought about, would stay with me all day. If I felt the fiery flicker of fear or nerves shoot through my stomach when frightening thoughts and images slipped into my head, I would grab my crystals and meditation music and escape to meditate for a few minutes. In the days leading up to Hana’s surgery I would repeatedly say to her,
‘We are going to cruise through this as if it’s the easiest thing we’ve ever done.’
This was my mantra. And I believed it.
I felt my entire vibrational being as something that was emanating peaceful energy – and my mother in law, who flew out for the surgery, was the first to comment on it even though she was unaware of my mantra and meditations.
The night before the surgery I sat meditating in front of my mirror, enjoying the energy shifts I witness there (more to come on these ‘visuals’ and how you can do this…) when deep in meditative trance and I woke up feeling positive and relaxed. A big change from My “Gethsemane”, the night before they removed my daughter’s brain tumour, two years ago.
The sensation of peace persisted when we arrived at the hospital and during the wait for Hana’s anaesthetics. She began crying when the cannula was put in and due to a dose of Midazolam was hard to calm down as she was just too woozy and unreasonable. However, I kept my voice calm as I told her a story – actually, it was HER story that I re-told her, one she’d ‘seen’ under a session of hypnosis. She was a beautiful little blue bird, flying over a pink waterfall and blue rocks.
‘And look at the houses on top of that mountain!’ I said, smiling as I stroked her forehead while her tears tumbled down, ‘They are made of flowers, hmmm, I can just smell those flowers now. There are roses, lilies, daisies…’
The hustle and bustle of the operating theatre racketed around us as I continued to recount her visualisation to her. They moved her onto the operating table –
‘Flap your little blue wings now,’ I said, ignoring the busy activity around us. And when the anaesthetist began the induction, an IV this time, I knelt down next to her face and described this beautiful world to her in even more detail. ‘Just look at that rushing pink waterfall baby! Can you swoop down a little closer to it?’ And soon she began to make the familiar gurgle she makes once she’s ‘gone under.’ A gurgle I’ve heard 10 times in her short 8 years.
‘She’s asleep now.’ The anaesthetist told me.
‘Sweet dreams baby girl,’ I kissed her head. There was no ‘wondering’ this time.
What will be will be.
One of the porters escorted me to the door, I was smiling serenely and very aware that I was emanating very peaceful waves of energy rather than closing with fear and welling up with the tears he was expecting – ‘ Are you OK?’ he asked, looking a little confused – I had noticed him looking on rather curiously as I’d been talking so calmly to Hana during the set up.
I smiled at him and nodded. Everything will be OK. This is meant to happen.
Then then I left her in there. The OT doors closed behind me. I never want to look at the closed doors of an OT ever again, but if I have to, then I hope I experience the same depth of peace and internal stillness that I reached that day.
The next few hours were warm and quiet. I felt as if I was in a some level of trance – my ears kept blocking which I’ve noticed happens when I go into a certain level of trance, some would call this a clairvoyant state but I’m hesitant to use that word here without explaining to you what that means for me as it has many negative connotations and it is misunderstood. As I waited in Hana’s room I was very much ‘aware’ of her being there with me. The image that was repeatedly pushed into my mind was that she was sitting on a cloud, (LOL, I know, seriously!?) laughing. Her hair was long and tumbling and if this makes sense, her laughter was ‘silver’ to me! The feeling she gave me was pure, uninterrupted JOY.
And then, a short while later, we were told the surgery was over, it had been successful and compared to her first craniotomy, minimally invasive. As if on cue – the silvery laughter from ‘Hana’ stopped, the feeling of warm joy left the room as she was brought back to consciousness and her physical body.
Later in ICU, I gave Hana a homeopathic remedy to help wake her up which kinda freaked out the doc when he saw my impressive case of pills-‘Um, what’s that?’ He edged over, looking embarrassed and more than a little concerned.
‘Don’t worry,’ I reassured him, ‘Mainstream medicine just considers these to be sugar pills, nothing more. Science hasn’t proven homeopathy to ‘work’ – yet. Do you want to try one?’ To which he blushed, looked at the ground and mumbled something before shuffling back to where he’d come from.
And I used A LOT of Reiki – as you already now from my Facebook posts.
‘We are going to cruise through this as if it’s the easiest thing we’ve ever done.’
And we did – for that day anyway. I’ll admit that I fully lost the trance and peaceful mind the next day in ICU (did I mention that I detest ICU with a passion? ). But apart from that little human slip, Hana’s recovery was everything I had visualised it would be and more: She was discharged from hospital that very day.
So about the Reiki – you might have seen this video clip that I posted on my Facebook page the day before her surgery? I’m going to write up a whole blog post on this ‘phenomenon’ as it was UNREAL. You guys are SO SO powerful, it blew my mind…Did you know this sort of thing could happen?? I really had no idea. I’ll try and write that post soon.
So that’s all for today lovely readers! Much more planned to share/discuss with you/unlearn over the next few months as we settle into our lovely new home surrounded by healing nature. Don’t forget to check in with my Facebook page for regular bits and pieces. Thank you for reading and for sharing – YOU are all amazing. xx