Hana was ‘gone’ after her first surgery. When she opened her eyes in Recovery – I couldn’t see her, her essence simply wasn’t there. You will soon read these details in my memoir, How She Healed Me : Get ready, it’ll be a turbulent ride.
The sobs and howls that ricocheted around our Bondi Junction apartment were appallingly dark yet hollow – reminiscent to me of someone screaming for help at the bottom of a well that was so deep you’d never be able to reach the bottom. She sat upright, roaring from a beanbag into the living room but the sounds were empty of soul – because that ‘life spark’ in her was so far below the surface, she was unreachable. I knew no matter how far I reached, I wouldn’t be able to find her in that abyss, no matter how deeply I tried to look into her eyes, I was met with something flat, a barrier that prevented me from connecting with her.
For two years Hana could not connect with horrors and traumas her little body had undergone – literally mutilated by a surgeons knife (necessary yes, to save her life) and the rushing cascade of hellish symptoms, starvation and obesity that sucked the life further out of her each day. This lack of ‘connection’ to what she had been through was a conscious and subconscious protective mechanism – and quite right too, she needed to wait until it was safe to heal – she needed to wait until I’d healed first.
After her second surgery last year to remove the regrowth of her tumour she had a hard few months of pain and suffering: ‘I want to go back to where the Angels are’. My pain for her was bittersweet – although I was healing rapidly I still desperately wanted to eradicate her suffering. Yet it wasn’t until I resolved and cleared all need to heal her that she then began to change. Once I was whole, complete – healed – energetically she sensed it was safe to look back and this started happening in our Asthanga Yoga classes.
We started Yoga for health and wellness purposes – after years of triathlon training I was becoming as stiff as a plank of wood and because I used to be a flexible dancer (belly dancer – did you know?!) this was frustrating. And for Hana I wanted a hobby that would help her build her core strength and flexibility within a body that was artificially ‘too big’ for her. We chose Ashtanga yoga because it is physically rigourous and known to be a highly transformative style of yoga.
Yoga Moves Energy
Yoga is incredible not only for insane flexibility but for heightening your sensitivity to Energy – I’ve found that my ability to see Energy (clear seeing – clairvoyance) is highly activated during my classes. Moments within starting my sun salutes I begin to see Auras around everything in the room. In Warrior I often play with my fingers to see what the energy does as it flows off them, similarly with my toes once on the floor! Good job our classes are private.
For Hana the experience has been less enchanting and more challenging – Asthtanga Yoga is ‘strong’ and demanding, the fatigue and frustration we so frequently encounter when working with our limited 3d bodies can become overwhelming as we try and master the poses – my Yoga teacher tells me her classes are a place where people often cry with frustration and also encounter emotional releases. It is some of these ‘strong’ moves that began to ‘stir’ Hana. She would firstly experience some fatigue or frustration with a move but, whilst holding the position the feeling would grow into something deeper as the Energies moved within her those hidden feelings, experiences and memories she kept behind a brick wall began to pour through cracks.
One particular afternoon she soldered through her class, holding back her tears but after Shivasana she sat on the couch staring into space as our teacher packed up to go. I went and put my arms around her and she dissolved into tears:
‘It’s OK baby,’ I soothed her. ‘What is it, anything in particular?’
‘Memories,’ she began to sob loudly.
Tears welled up in my own eyes, ‘Of what?’
‘What happened to me…hospitals and my tummy getting bigger.’
The word ‘bigger’ turned into a roar, she began to howl so loudly the guinea pigs behind us in the dining room began to cry out in shock, running up and down their cage in fright.
‘The PAIN! Oh mummy, the PAIN!’
Her cries were as loud as they had been in Bondi all those years before, but this time she wasn’t screaming for help from the bottom of a well, she was back, – integrated and fully embracing the reality of the trauma’s she lived through. I held her tightly, my own tears flowing down my cheeks in mascara smudged black rivulets, but my tears weren’t of pain or release but of unfathomable gratitude that we were here – doing this. That she was well enough to face that hell she’d lived and that I was strong enough and whole enough to guide her through it.
Hana is healing rapidly – not only has one of her medication requirements decreased but she is living the life a child should be living. She still suffers from frequent headaches and greater fatigue than other children but her overall quality of life is incomparable to even last year, to even six months ago. Her ankle pain has improved so much that she can tolerate a 30 minute walk (she often jogs parts of it for ‘fun’) every night in the dark before bed, she is full time at school and extremely busy with after school activities. Her lap band contains a minimal amount of saline yet her appetite is ‘normal’ and her food preoccupation has more or less gone. We have recently introduced T3 to her thyroid medication regime which has had absolutely transformative effects on her energy and mood. But the greatest aspect of her healing is her spiritual and emotional self – and for now, this is more than enough for me.
Ahh there is much MORE to tell you – details that I’ve saved for the book, only three months now until it’ll be out and I can share a far richer account of my journey, the website is in draft here and you can leave me your name and email so that you can receive updates on the progression to release. We are working on a beautiful dramatic trailer which I hope you will help me share to the word out!
Remember if you are interested in Elevating your Soul Health Consciousness please have a look at my other website YOUR SOUL HEALTH where you can sign up for weekly Soul Bites designed to elevate your Soul Health Consciousness. Or you can like the Facebook page @yoursoulhealth here.